For the past few years I have wished to experience Autumn anywhere else but Calgary and I'm happy to say that I am not in Calgary. The snow has started to settle there earlier than usual this year. In other words, there is no Autumn in Calgary. It doesn't give you much time to reflect on your life so far this year. You just go straight into some form of depression and all people can think about is to get the flu shot. Autumn gives you the opportunity to alleviate the process of reflection. However, the high amount of sunshine was what I really liked about that town; it just no longer felt like home, but then where have I ever really felt like home? I guess it's almost a red flag to employers when they see all those different countries and cities in my resume.
I'm at the ocean now. Or at least a couple of blocks away from it, but a lot of private five-million dollar houses are blocking my view every time I walk or drive past. In moments like these you have to stop thinking wishfully and perhaps even stop buying lottery tickets, although hope dies last. I have no problem telling my interviewers that I love my new home, this change was overdue.
I am very tired though. Mainly of who I am, especially when I bring out the worst out of people. The lack of focus and mindfulness made me forget about everything that mattered. On the outside I often feel ruled by my passive rising sign, which is Virgo. It's the sign that was ascending on the eastern horizon when I was born. It depicts the way others see me. And it's only the way people see you that makes you real. Both my sun and moon signs are water based, in other words, an emotional wreck. And how is a Virgo supposed to express that entity if too scared to step into water? What's the point in being overly observant and perceptive if you don't take action? There is no fire in my personality to express things the way I should. Hold your breath and stare or express it in the form of art. You're not selfish in art, because you are sharing it with everyone. This doesn't mean that people will understand you, but at least they will in a way that makes sense to them.
The only thing that makes Ellen P. my alter-ego is her sun sign Virgo. I actually forgot to mention her birthday in the novel. She has earth, air and water in her sign. I figured that in terms of picking only three elements these three are the most crucial ones? She is the passive me in full blast, only ten times more intelligent and ambitious. Her moon sign is Pisces (water), her rising sign Gemini (air). I figured that you require earth and water to plant a daisy, and it needs air to breathe. That is all. There is enough balance here without excess. There is no need for fire. Her life number is five, which makes her a successful woman in business. And that is not me.
Fall equinox - this is the time I take a deep breath and think about life. I picked up Aurelius' "Meditations" which made me think about Hesse's "Siddhartha". Being happy and patient is only a couple of footsteps away, but I am blind and deaf as always, scared of the past and the future, giving myself no room for today. Today I'm 12,496 years old. If I lean back and close my eyes for ten minutes I will be doing myself and my mind a great favour. Teach myself to be more thankful that I am who I am and have what I have. There are too many things that do not even matter right now, like Monday. There are many things going on in one's life, and you can't control destiny, but you can make things happen - by taking action, by making decisions. And autumn happens to be the time to think about these things. Do yourself and people around you a favour and be good. Perhaps I shouldn't be looking at the stars all too much or even count my days on Earth.
But I am interested, what did you think Ellen's star sign was?